Tag Archives: Derrick Jensen

Now selling John Ashcroft’s backwash on eBay

UPDATE (12:17 P.M. cst AUG. 4) eBay has removed my listing, calling it “adult”. I guess this means Ashcroft’s backwash turns them on.

I finally got around to it. Until August 10, you can bid to be the proud owner of a glass full of former U.S. Atorney General John Ashcroft’s backwash.

I would relate the story behind me getting the item here, but I did it pretty well in the listing summary. So here is that:

This is not a joke. This is actually a glass of former U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft’s backwash.

He spoke at Knox College April 22 (Earth Day, of all days) and was a pretty big jerk to every one (including your humble seller). There is a YouTube video of him being mean to me, actually. My retort got more cheers than his, so if applause meters selected Attorneys General, I would be there right now.

(I am the dude in the purple shirt around 6:10)

After he left, my friends and I attempted to regain our ability to reason after the vicious attack against humanity that spewed from that man’s mouth, so we decided to play a little music in the theater where he spoke. You know, to channel that frustration into something productive.

And what do we find still sitting on the pedestal? John Ashcroft’s glass, still with water and backwash in it (in one photo, you can see the water pitcher and glass on the pedestal during his talk).

(P.S. Thank you, Evan Temchin, for the photo)

We first dared each other to drink it, but nobody would. It’s like Satan’s glass or something. You just never know.

Then I thought, Hey, we could probably use this to put hexes on him or something. But I don’t know anything about hexes. Derrick Jensen spoke at Knox a few days later, and he suggested we plant his DNA at a murder scene so he is found guilty. That’s by far the best idea, but I would have no idea how to do that. And how do you find a murder scene? I’d have to have pretty good timing (and happen to have the glass on me).

So, defeated and out of other ideas, I did what any good American would do. I decided to try to make money on it on eBay.

So here is your chance to buy the backwash, fingerprints, lipprints and DNA of a war criminal to do with as you please (though I wouldn’t suggest the framing for murder thing, since now I’ve spoiled that idea by writing it here).

It is a few months old. I’m not sure how long backwash stays good. But on close inspection, the water is still clear. There is nothing growing anywhere. I think Ashcroft’s saliva has a strong disinfectant in it that destroys all life. That would explain a few things.

And very little has evaporated, since it has been sealed with cling wrap and a rubber band and kept in a dark closet this whole time.

The glass is part of the deal, and I will figure out a secure way to ship the items. So worst case scenario, you have a glass that John Ashcroft drank from. That’s pretty cool, right? You can pour guests a glass of water and say, “You are drinking from the very same glass as the man responsible for the torturing of prisoners in American custody!” The perfect way to liven up any social gathering!

Happy bidding!



Filed under My Life, Resisting

Derrick Jensen vs. John Ashcroft

Derrick Jensen came to Knox just three days after John Ashcroft. I could not imagine a more incredible span of ideas on one campus in one week (I guess Ashcroft’s lies count as “ideas”).

Anyway, Ashcroft’s visit was so much fun. The student protests were awesome, and completely stole media coverage of the event. The student questions were good and even got picked up on Olbermann (not bad for a tiny school in the middle of the prairie). And John Ashcroft was a dick to me, but my counter got more cheers than him. So he can eat it. There’s video of that (I come in around 6:10):

Besides getting a chance to yell at a war criminal, the Ashcroft thing was really interesting because The Knox Student got to try out a bunch of new web features, and our coverage of the event rocked. Just a couple months before this, we were not even online yet. I think we changed pretty fast.

But after a really upsetting debate on campus about whether or not the protests were justified (support your protesters, people. They are putting themselves on the line for you, even if you don’t agree with them), I started to lose the rest of my faith in a revolution coming from the American people (and any semblance of support for the Democrats was completely exploded, though there was not much left by this point).

And right at the perfect time, here comes Derrick Jensen. He is the perfect person to read if you are starting to completely doubt mainstream America’s ability to make changes in our completely fucked society. The amazing thing about Derrick is that he really won’t tell you anything you didn’t already know when you were in third grade. Hey, if I have money, doesn’t that mean someone else somewhere doesn’t? Hey, if there is a limited amount of oil, won’t it run out? Hey, if you catch too many fish, won’t they go away? But for me, Derrick was a slap in the face, making me look closely at the very foundations of our culture and realize that it is, truly through and through, insane.

Let’s just say, my world, which was teetering, came crashing down. Here are some videos I took at is talk. Sorry for the shitty quality. I had the camera set from a theater project I did (more about that in a future post).

I highly recommend reading Endgame.

More to come on my new found interest in resistance. And in other news, I stole John Ashcroft’s glass from the podium after the talk. I am going to be putting it on eBay as John Ashcroft’s Backwash. I wonder how much the several-month-old DNA of a war criminal goes for in the market these days…


Filed under My Life, Resisting