UPDATE (12:17 P.M. cst AUG. 4) eBay has removed my listing, calling it “adult”. I guess this means Ashcroft’s backwash turns them on.
I finally got around to it. Until August 10, you can bid to be the proud owner of a glass full of former U.S. Atorney General John Ashcroft’s backwash.
I would relate the story behind me getting the item here, but I did it pretty well in the listing summary. So here is that:
He spoke at Knox College April 22 (Earth Day, of all days) and was a pretty big jerk to every one (including your humble seller). There is a YouTube video of him being mean to me, actually. My retort got more cheers than his, so if applause meters selected Attorneys General, I would be there right now.
(I am the dude in the purple shirt around 6:10)
After he left, my friends and I attempted to regain our ability to reason after the vicious attack against humanity that spewed from that man’s mouth, so we decided to play a little music in the theater where he spoke. You know, to channel that frustration into something productive.
And what do we find still sitting on the pedestal? John Ashcroft’s glass, still with water and backwash in it (in one photo, you can see the water pitcher and glass on the pedestal during his talk).
(P.S. Thank you, Evan Temchin, for the photo)
We first dared each other to drink it, but nobody would. It’s like Satan’s glass or something. You just never know.
Then I thought, Hey, we could probably use this to put hexes on him or something. But I don’t know anything about hexes. Derrick Jensen spoke at Knox a few days later, and he suggested we plant his DNA at a murder scene so he is found guilty. That’s by far the best idea, but I would have no idea how to do that. And how do you find a murder scene? I’d have to have pretty good timing (and happen to have the glass on me).
So, defeated and out of other ideas, I did what any good American would do. I decided to try to make money on it on eBay.
So here is your chance to buy the backwash, fingerprints, lipprints and DNA of a war criminal to do with as you please (though I wouldn’t suggest the framing for murder thing, since now I’ve spoiled that idea by writing it here).
It is a few months old. I’m not sure how long backwash stays good. But on close inspection, the water is still clear. There is nothing growing anywhere. I think Ashcroft’s saliva has a strong disinfectant in it that destroys all life. That would explain a few things.
And very little has evaporated, since it has been sealed with cling wrap and a rubber band and kept in a dark closet this whole time.
The glass is part of the deal, and I will figure out a secure way to ship the items. So worst case scenario, you have a glass that John Ashcroft drank from. That’s pretty cool, right? You can pour guests a glass of water and say, “You are drinking from the very same glass as the man responsible for the torturing of prisoners in American custody!” The perfect way to liven up any social gathering!